2019 — The Year I Started Living (Part 1 of 3)

The journey to my extraordinary life.

On January 1st, 2019, I said goodbye to my family as I boarded a flight to Amsterdam to start a new job as a UX Designer. I didn’t know the depth of what was waiting for me on the other side but I’d say it was the beginning of a deeply uncomfortable self-development journey that I’d forever be grateful for.

Brace yourself, this is going to be a very long read — open, vulnerable, and honest.

I had many expectations about moving to Amsterdam. The biggest one was that I was finally going to be “happy”. I would have my own apartment, I’d be able to afford my health and fitness lifestyle, and travel as much as I wanted to, amongst other things and I would be happy but I was so wrong, I was very wrong.

At that point in my life, happiness was a destination. When I get that body I’d be happy, when I get that position at this company I’d be happy. When I work at a great company with very smart people solving problems that affect millions of people around the world, I’d be happy, when my skin clears, I’d be happy, when I travel around the world, I’d be happy. I eventually found out that this wasn’t entirely true. These things could make me happy only if I was already a happy person.

After doing all my chores on a particular Saturday morning, I sat down to chill because I didn’t have anything else to do. After a while, l was suddenly overwhelmed by a strong feeling of emptiness. I can’t describe the feeling but it wasn’t a pleasant one. I knew it wasn’t loneliness, I wasn’t missing anyone, or feeling alone because one of the major reasons for accepting this job offer was because I needed space, from everything and everyone. I needed to breathe, I needed some time to figure out myself, why I have been this way, who I want to become and who I am not trying to be, my life, what I want out of it, and why. So I knew that wasn’t the problem.

Why am I feeling like this? I live alone now, I finally have my “black and white” apartment, I go to the gym regularly, and I work at a great company. This is what I have always wanted. Why do I feel empty? Well, this was my first great lesson about happiness. Happiness wasn’t what I thought it was at all.

I needed to find answers to these questions so I knew it was time to go to Therapy. Therapy has been something I felt I needed but I couldn’t afford it back at home and I also didn’t feel safe because of the Nigerian “culture”. Now that I was in a new environment, I needed to give it a try and this led to the beginning of the phase of my life I like to call “The Rebirth”.

The Rebirth

Deciding to go to Therapy changed my life. I took a deeper look into my life, dissecting and analyzing everything which took me back to the beginning — my childhood.

Our childhood has a very great impact on our behavior as adults. Our childhood is mostly the reason why we are the way we are now. As children, we are born with a blank slate. Our behaviors, habits, emotions, beliefs, actions, how we process and interpret things, and how we see people, life, and the world, in general, weren’t random. It’s not by chance, it didn’t just pop out of somewhere, it was learned, it was adopted from the people and the environment we were raised in. After a while, after learning what is needed to survive, these things just play in our head by default like a recorded tape and it is very essential to pause the tape at some point and analyze what has been recorded into it.

I also started to see how the African “culture” can be very toxic. A culture that enables weak boundaries, people-pleasing, body shaming, and self-sabotaging, and it is masked under “tough love”, “helping others”, “respecting your elders”, and “wanting the best for you”.

I am not going to go into the details of my therapy sessions but some big realizations made me see myself more clearly and the things in my life that had caused me so much unhappiness and needed to change if I wanted to be happy.

Career

When I knew I got the job and was relocating to a new country, I started planning my career, 5 years ahead. I was going to work at X for several years, then move to Y to be a Senior Designer and do the same, and then go build something of my own.

This plan put me under so much pressure because to me every decision I made at X was connected to my goal of wanting to be a Senior Designer at Y. I was always feeling overwhelmed and after having some conversations with my therapist, I had to ask myself why I wanted to be a Senior Designer at Y and the answer shocked me.

I realized I didn’t want to be a Senior Designer at Y. I just needed the validation. I already don’t think I am a good designer so getting that title at Y will validate me in front of other people. I needed other people to see me as a good designer, I wanted them to praise me for having this title on my resume and this will mean I am a “good designer”.

The funny thing is that even after I get the Senior position, or even become a Lead, Principal, a Manager, or whatever title there is, it’s not going to change anything. I am still always going to think I am not a good designer and I will still keep chasing that validation. The scary thing about this is that I didn’t sit down to plan my validation scheme, it just happened on autopilot and this made me think about my past and I noticed it was a pattern for me to do this.

Before I left the country, I had this belief that if certain groups of people knew about me and my work or if I could be in those groups, it would mean that I was a good designer, and it would validate me as a good designer. I felt I needed to be “known”, to be “praised” for me to be “good” and this belief had a big impact on my happiness because I didn’t get to achieve this. Now that I was moving to a new country, this wasn’t going to work anymore so I unconsciously created a new plan.

I had to ask myself again where did this belief come from? Why don’t I think I am a good designer? Why do I need other people or a title on my resume to validate me? Why do I need to be praised? Why do I need people to say they are “proud” of me? and it became clear to me that as a child, I never felt good enough. Nothing I did was enough. I didn’t get that validation as a child so I keep looking for it everywhere unconsciously. This is my inner child screaming and she needed to be healed.

The worst part of this all is that when I do get this validation from time to time, I wouldn’t still believe it. I read my performance reviews in disbelief. I say to myself, “This cannot be me”, “this cannot be good comments about my work and performance”. Even when my friends or other people tell me the same thing, I say “That’s not true, NOOOO!! I am not that good”. So if I am not going to believe it, why have I been seeking this validation all along?

It took me a while to realize that I was focused on the wrong thing. The validation I needed was from me. I needed to first believe that I was enough and that is only when I would be able to put in the work that can make me better. That is when I can bring my best to my work because I was beginning to see how this belief of “I am not good enough” was affecting my confidence in my new job, how I communicated, how I present my ideas or concerns, or how I keep asking for advice because I don’t trust my own decisions. I needed to unlearn this belief so that I wouldn’t be seeking validation anymore but rather keep working to be the best I can be for ME.

This realization was a huge weight off my shoulders. I love where I work, the people I work it and I have been able to focus more on what is in front of me and less about proving to others that I am good at what I do.

Dance Class

I saw a female dance class ad on Instagram and because I was in the phase of my life where I wanted to explore my feminine side, I registered. This was a high-heel dance class and the dance steps were very feminine and “sexy”. There was also confidence coaching after each dance session.

After a couple of weeks of my attending, we were supposed to do a power walk towards the mirror in our heels with Beyonce’s “Who Run The World, Girls!” playing in the background and we were to do it in groups.

When it was my turn, I was lowkey terrified. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, so as I did the power walk towards the mirror, I looked down. My dance instructor noticed me and she told me “Nah, you are going to do it again and this time, look up, look into the mirror, look at yourself”. Well, I did it the second time but that moment lingered in my mind for a while.

As usual, I like to ask myself a lot of questions and this time, the question was why couldn’t I look into the mirror while doing the walk? At that moment, I also realized I do the same thing in the gym. I could be in the gym for one hour working out in front of the mirror and for the whole hour, I wouldn’t look into the mirror, not even once. Why does the mirror scare me this much? Well, it goes back to my childhood again.

My look was scrutinized a lot as a child. Something was always complained about or made fun of. Whether it’s my cheeks, my hair, my leg, my scars, something, always. I internalized those things and that is why I never liked myself. Every time I looked in the mirror, that was all I saw so I avoided it most times. This was why I never liked taking pictures until recently. For me, it was a 3D reflection of my insecurities so I never liked it. It also made sense why I have become a gym rat and obsessed with body and facial products. I have been trying to “correct” the things other people had made fun of or complained about.

We had another exercise after a dance session to pick a partner and write down three things we didn’t like about ourselves. The partner will then read it back to us in a very “mean” tone and we need to defend ourselves. One of the things I wrote was “I believe people will reject me because of the acne scars on my face”. Why will I even write this? It hurt my feelings hearing my partner tell me nobody would like me because of my acne, nobody wanted to be my friend because of my face even though this was what I had always told myself but I had to defend myself this time and say it wasn’t true.

Why did I think this? A particular event stood out to me. A guy I met for the first time had told me while I was younger that he liked me but because of the acne on my face, he didn’t think he would want to “associate” with me. This stamped something in me. It made sense why I avoid meeting new people or going out because I believe other people will reject me or not want to be friends because of my acne scars. It made sense why I have been overly conscious about this.

I started to see clearly why I had been unhappy for a long time. It is a build-up of so many things that had been happening in my life since I was a child and I hadn’t taken time to deal with it but I am learning that with my puffy cheeks, my acne scars, my facial hair, my one-pack, my almost nonexistent edges, I am still worthy. Who I am, and what I have, is enough.

Birthday Trip

I had this thing in my head back then that when I start making more money, I’d plan a solo birthday trip because “what you do when you start making more money is to travel around the world”. Also, I have seen other people do it on social media and because they posted happy pictures and videos, it meant that they were happy and if I did the same, I’d be happy too.

My 26th birthday was coming soon and I convinced myself that I no longer believed that so the reason I was planning this trip was that I had earned it and it would be good to do something nice for myself. I planned the trips, I even bought chocolate cake and flowers to be sent to my room on my birthday from myself to myself because of “self-love”.

As each day on this trip went by and as I curled into my hotel bed each night, I wasn’t feeling what I was expecting to “feel”. Birthday came and went but I was still left with myself. I even ended up throwing the flowers and cake in the bin.

I got back home and realized I was even sadder than went I left. Question time — Why did I plan this trip? Why did I choose those destinations? What was I hoping to feel? Why did I think this trip was going to make me happy?

I figured I was avoiding some of the things I needed to confront. I was hoping the trip would save me. Going to Disneyland, Lake Como, or seeing the Eiffel Tower wasn’t going to save me. I cannot avoid doing the work and think that I could pay my way out of my emotional state or that happiness will spring up from somewhere. It doesn’t work like that.

I also now understand what Naval meant in the last tweet of his Twitter thread of “How to Get Rich (without getting lucky) — “When you’re finally wealthy, you’ll realize that it wasn’t what you were seeking in the first place. But that’s for another day.”

This doesn’t mean that I am wealthy but I am very glad to catch a glimpse of what it means to have more and realize that it didn’t solve my problems, it only solved my money problems. It didn’t change my mental or emotional state. I was still the same person, the same unhappy person with just more money to afford to go on trips.

What I was searching for in those trips was inside me, I just needed to sit down and do the work that I had been avoiding. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go on trips anymore, I just have a completely different reason for doing so now.

My Behaviours

I have always thought of myself as a “good person”. In my mind, I’m very friendly and nice. I help people when they need me to so, therefore, I’m a good person. I don’t drink, smoke, or sleep around so, therefore, I’m a good person. Where did I even get this idea from?

A lot of conversations with my therapist made me realize quickly that I wasn’t a “nice” or “friendly” person, I just had weak boundaries. I wouldn’t say NO because I’m afraid to hurt other people’s feelings so I’d hurt myself instead by doing things I don’t necessarily want to do. I’d help people to the detriment of myself because I don’t want to be seen as “mean”, I don’t want to be rejected, and I want to be liked.

If saying NO wasn’t going to hurt other people’s feelings if saying NO wasn’t going to be seen as “mean”, would I do some of those things I have done? My answer was NO, so am I a “nice” person?

The big question for me was why? Why do I keep teaching myself that I don’t matter in my own life? Why do I need people to like me? Why does my self-worth lie on the things I can do for other people? Why?

As usual, I found the answers to these questions in my childhood. As a child, there was always a punishment for not doing what others wanted especially your elders. You are either punished physically by being beaten or told to stand or sit in a particular position for a long time that would hurt your arms and legs, or something else that could be a form of mental or emotional abuse.

You have to be of “good” behavior always, meaning you cannot express your feelings towards your elders, it is being “rude”. When you do the “right” thing, you are accepted, you are liked, you are compensated.

What this taught me was that being liked came with a price — do what others wanted. It didn’t matter if I was right and they were wrong, if I didn’t like it, or if it made me uncomfortable, I just needed to avoid being “punished” and be “liked” hence do what is required of you. I shouldn’t express myself because it would be rude, it would be me upsetting the other person. It became a survival skill.

Like my therapist will say, the things you did to survive as a child aren’t serving you as an adult anymore. You need to let these things go, you need to learn new behaviors and habits. You need to really redefine what self-value, self-worth, and self-love means.

The problem with this type of behavior is that you start to attract “takers” because you are a “giver”, you have weak boundaries. You always give yourself, what you have, your time, etc because that is where your self-worth comes from so you attract people who only need what you can offer or what you can give them and then you the “giver” will never say NO because you want to feel needed, you want to be liked.

You also attract people who need to feel in control because they never felt they had control as a child, they need to be in control of how you do things, when, and how and you the people-pleaser will not want to upset anyone, you want everyone to be happy with you. You don’t want to get them upset by not doing the things they want and when you do sometimes, you take full responsibility for their feelings, want to fix it, and keep apologizing. That is how you enable toxic relationships.

It started to make sense to me why I have surrounded myself with a lot of takers. This habit had made me believe that if I wasn’t giving something, I wasn’t valuable, so in a relationship that just needs me to exist, I will always struggle because I am used to always giving. That is the only thing that I knew. It also makes sense why I have also attracted people who need to have control and feel caged because I don’t want to upset anyone.

This doesn’t mean I only do “nice” things for this reason. I still do things for people but I try my best by making sure it’s really because I want to. I am working towards being kind and empathetic not necessarily “nice”. These days, I check myself and figure out why I am doing certain things. Is it so that I can be liked? and why? Why do I need this person to like me? Why am I allowing this person to cross my boundaries because I don’t want to upset them? Answering these questions saves me a lot because having weak boundaries, people-pleasing, self-sabotaging, and happiness cannot exist together.

My goal is to choose myself more, to like myself more, to put myself first more, and then the happiness I seek starts to seem within reach.