2019 — The Year I Started Living (Part 3 of 3)

The journey to my extraordinary life…

Doing Too Much

This particular day, I went to watch the movie Joker after work. A couple of minutes into the movie, suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I thought it was the movie because that movie made me feel some type of way.

I couldn’t swallow my popcorn properly. It felt like something had blocked my airway. What’s going on? I was holding my chest and couldn’t breathe properly. This is strange. After a couple of minutes, it stopped. I was worried and thought about it all night, what could that be? On my way to work the next morning, while in the Metro, it happened again. What’s happening? Am I having a heart attack? Am I dying? God, please!!!

This happened several times at different intervals for a few days but I couldn’t get an appointment to see my GP because there was no available spot till the week after. God, is this how I am going to die? After everything? After calling several times, I was finally called in to be checked. I was perfectly fine, he said, after doing a couple of checks but he wasn’t comfortable with the symptoms so he sent me to a lab for a test. The result came in and it said I was perfectly fine. I was confused. How am I fine? This isn’t normal.

I saw a different GP that day and she asked me if I was stressed. I said NO. I am not stressed at work at all. I sleep well. I work out regularly. I am not stressed. She asked again, Are you stressed? maybe mentally or emotionally? Well, that was the problem all along. How can emotional or mental stress affect my breathing or respiratory system? It turns out that it could. She referred me to a specialist and that was where I found out what my problem was — I was doing too much. I had always thought that stress was just a physical thing but I quickly realized that my mind was very tired and it had started to affect me physically.

I started this year with the mindset that personal growth and development was a list of things that I needed to check off. Confidence, check. Boundaries, check. Self-love, check. Happiness, check. Every time I saw an online course relating to any of these, I bought it. Books, I bought. I had a lot of courses and books on my to-do list, I started having anxiety and my mind was in a constant loop of the things I had pending.

I listen to podcasts on my way to work and back. I had clogged my mind because I was reading too much, and listening to too much. My mind hasn’t rested in a very long time. I was going to dance classes after work, and also because I was trying to do “self-love things”, I’d go to the movies sometimes after work. Then during the weekends, I’d meal prep and spend the remaining time in front of my laptop because I needed to finish a course, a book, or something. I was writing my meal plan, I was creating an exercise plan. I was doing my LifeBook course. Before I knew it, I had spent every weekend for about 3 months in my apartment except when I went to the gym on Sunday mornings. THIS IS TOO MUCH!! How did I get here? I wasn’t paying attention to all the signs at all. I had become what I call a “Personal Development Junkie”.

In my mind, I thought I was just doing the things I needed to do to be better but I wasn’t acknowledging the fact that sometimes it’s okay to do nothing at all and just be! Let the mind and body rest. I was sleeping for 7/8 hours on most days and I go to the gym so to me I was doing well and not stressing myself if I was still able to do these things. I was very wrong and learned the hard way.

I had also injured myself at the gym. I pulled my hamstring. This has happened to me before but this was different. I was overworking my legs in the gym and putting a lot of pressure on my knee. I was also going to dance classes where I wore heels and most of these steps required me to use my knee a lot. I had outdone myself and my knee started to fail me.

I looked down on my knee and screamed from the pain of the needles my physiotherapist was poking into it and then looked up and told myself this is not what being a better version of myself is all about especially if it is going to cost me my health. This is me not honoring myself because I had just written in my Lifebook that my health and fitness are the foundation of my life but my lifestyle is the complete opposite. I was still stuck in the belief that health and fitness are about how I look, and my physique because that was the reason I started going to the gym in the first place. So as long as I went to the gym, all was fine. This is funny to me because I know better but I had not taken the time to unlearn this belief consciously.

Health and fitness is more than the gym. It is resting when you are tired. It is sleeping well so the body and mind can rest. It's taking a break now and then from reading and listening to things. The body isn’t separate from the mind, it is one.

I’m learning to take it easy. It’s not a race, there is no timeframe to being my best self. I now working on having a dedicated day every week where I do nothing at all. I’m also planning towards having a week or two every quarter where I do nothing, quiet my mind, detach, go away, breathe, and just exist. Maybe sometime in the future, it would be a month.

Growth

2019 has been a very eye-opening and insightful year for me. I have been able to figure out myself, why I have been the way I was, who I want to become and who I am not trying to be, my life, what I want out of it, and why. I have also been able to answer the question “Why do I feel empty after getting the things that I thought would make me happy?”.

I have a different understanding of what happiness is right now. I have realized that happiness is doing the things I say I would do. Going to bed early, waking up early so I can pray at the right time, going to the gym and making breakfast before going to work and not having to rush to the Metro station. Happiness is when I drink a glass of water to hydrate my body. Happiness is cleansing and moisturizing my face before going to bed. Happiness is wearing sunscreen. Happiness is eating good food to nourish my body. Happiness is resting when I am tired and not feeling guilty about it.

Happiness is calling or sending a friend a message immediately after they cross my mind. Happiness is being courageous and doing the Stanky leg dance in the Metro without being afraid of judgment. Happiness is voicing out my opinions and ideas in meetings at work. Happiness is honoring my boundaries and saying NO when something doesn’t feel right or goes against my values. Happiness is trusting my intuition. Happiness is respecting myself, and making conscious decisions about what I think, do, and say. Happiness is loving and choosing myself. Happiness is me.

I am also learning to forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. Forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made in the past that caused me unhappiness. Forgiving myself for allowing my environment, and the people around me to decide what happiness is to me. Forgiving myself for choosing others first and allowing myself to take the back seat in my life. Forgiving myself for not honoring my boundaries by saying Yes to people and things that have no place in my life. Forgiving myself for not saving enough, or “dashing” out money to others because I feel guilty about my earnings and causing myself financial anxiety.

Forgiving myself for looking for what I didn’t get as a child in my relationships. Forgiving myself for people-pleasing and seeking validation from people that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Forgiving myself for putting myself in bad situations because I want to be liked and am afraid of people rejecting me. Forgiving myself for always apologizing to avoid upsetting people. Forgiving myself for thinking that I don’t matter, for thinking that I am not enough.

I may still seek validation sometimes, I may not honor my boundaries sometimes, I may still people please sometimes, I may make several mistakes, I may still avoid courageous moments sometimes, but I am also forgiving myself for that and would try my best to do it less.

I am learning to also be empathetic and compassionate towards others because I now see how people are hurting and it shows through their behaviors, habits, decisions, and how they treat themselves and others. It’s not about me, it has a lot to do with how they see themselves. I try my best to not be the “savior” because I now “see” everyone’s issues and let people do the work themselves when they are ready and remove myself from those kinds of relationships especially when they start to affect my growth, and wish them the best from afar.

Loving myself was harder than I thought. It’s not only about going to the spa or letting go of “toxic people”, and drinking 8 glasses of water. It is also about being honest with myself and answering the difficult questions. It is about acknowledging that some of my habits and behaviors aren’t serving me anymore and need to go. It’s knowing nothing will save me until I decide to save myself. Nobody is going to choose me, nobody is going to put me first until I choose me and put me first.

It has taken me 26 years to become the person I was and it’s not possible to unlearn everything in one year. Personal growth and development is a life-long journey, it’s never going to end. It’s a path, It’s a process.

After all the work I have done on myself this year, I am beginning to also understand that my personal growth and development have only gotten me to the starting line, not the finish line. I have just only positioned myself correctly in front of the right track, I haven’t even started the race yet.

As I prepare myself for take-off on this journey to my extraordinary life, I want to always remember to be kind to myself. I‘d make mistakes, my beliefs might change, my goals might change but it is also okay.

Death

Look, this is how it works. You are going to die one day. I know that’s kind of obvious, but I just wanted to remind you in case you’d forgotten.

Excerpts from the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”

The secret to life is that it ends and the sad part is that we mostly don’t know when. As I build my extraordinary life, I’m trying not to forget to live today and now. Slow down and chill out a little bit and enjoy the little things because one day I may look back and realize that they were the big things. I will take this gift I’ve been given called my life and live it to its fullest.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Last words…

Happiness is not something that happens down the road, happiness is now or not at all and if life is spent waiting for something else to happen to get there, that is not living, that is not happiness.

Me: Do you Oluwatoyin Fari realize that life is short and if you spend all your time wanting to be liked, validated, or chosen by others, waiting to complete a project, be wealthy, look perfect, be 100% mentally and emotionally, then you waste a perfectly good chance to be happy?

Myself: I Do

And by the power vested in me, I make a vow that smashed goals or not, completed projects or not, perfect skin and body or not, liked and validated by others or not, that I will never wait for anything outside myself to change before I choose to be happy.

I: You may now kiss the new you…

My Favorite Poem — The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski
Your life is your life
Don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission
Be on the watch
There are ways out
There is light somewhere
It may not be much light but it beats the darkness
Be on the watch
The gods will offer you chances
Know them, take them
You can’t beat death but you can beat death in life, sometimes
And the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be
Your life is your life
Know it while you have it
You are marvelous
The gods wait to delight in you…

My wish for anyone who has read my articles is that you finally heal from the things that caused you pain and forgive yourself and others. My wish is that you find yourself and be courageous enough to be happy. The happiness that you seek has been right there all along — it is YOU.

Good luck!!!

My 2019 Personal Development Resources

These are not sponsored ads. All of this had a profound impact on my growth this year and I believe it could be extremely useful to someone.

Books

• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson — This book shook me. I have seen many negative reviews about this book but I found a lot of things in there valuable.
• Atomic Habits by James Clear — After reading James’s articles for years. This book sealed it for me. James says our habits are the compound interest of self-improvement. They don’t seem like much on any given day, but over the months and years, their effects can accumulate to an incredible degree. We do not rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems. We are habit machines, our habits make us.
• Switch on Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf — I love this book because it solidifies my belief that changing the way you think, changes your life. Your mind is the most powerful thing you have, therefore use it wisely.

Courses

• LifeBook Online by Jon and Missy Butcher — I already talked about my experience with LifeBook so here is a free 90-minute masterclass that gives great insights about what to expect in the 6-week course.
• LifeBook Mastery by Jon and Missy Butcher — LifeBook Mastery is the follow-up 6-week course. It is one thing to write down a book about the person you want to become and the life you want, it’s another thing to do the work and achieve it. You need an actual plan, you need to put strategies in place. When it finally happens, you’ll realize it didn’t just happen by chance, you worked hard for it, you earned it.
• Mindvalley’s Masterclasses — Bending Reality, and The Science Of Extraordinary Performance (I can’t find the links at the moment)
• Tony Gaskins Academy — I took some of Tony’s courses to mainly understand the mistakes I have made in my past relationships, what I needed to heal from, mentality/behaviors that needed to change, and also gain knowledge that would be useful in preparing for real love in a long-lasting healthy relationship.
• Femmititude by the lovely Bukky Ayo — A confidence-growth program combined with feminine dance. She teaches ultimate ownership of your true feminine essence. I love this woman. She embodies what it means to be truly feminine. She walks, talks, and dances with so much confidence and power. This program challenged me and brought me out of my comfort zone.

Podcasts

• Supersoul Conversations by Opray Winfrey — Oprah’s selection of her interviews with thought-leaders, best-selling authors, spiritual luminaries, as well as health and wellness experts.
• On Purpose by Jay Shetty — Jay’s fascinating conversations with the most insightful people in the world.
• The Mindvalley Podcast with Vishen Lakhiani — Vishen brings the best minds to discuss powerful ideas in personal growth for mind, body, spirit, and work.

Blogs

• James Clear- I love James’s writing so much. He is focused on how we can create better habits, make better decisions, and live better lives. He combines ideas from a wide range of disciplines including biology, neuroscience, psychology, philosophy, and more.

Instagram accounts

• Nawal Mustafa — She shares her knowledge about mental health. You’d relate. Topics like people-pleasing, projecting, self-sabotaging, healthy boundaries, etc
• Dr. Nicole LePera — She teaches how to heal and consciously create a new version of yourself.
• Tony Gaskins — He is a relationship expert. His online courses, IG Q&As’s, IG Live Videos, and Youtube Videos are the truth. I also find them very funny because he’s very real and honest.

2019, What a year!